Well,

Today has been a mixed day, what started out as a very negative day, became positive.
I decided that i would plaster my wall in thinspiration and boy, it looks good. - I am proud.

I have CAMHS tomorrow, shitting myself. Got my Diet coke and my strongmints at the ready for tomorrow. Got vpainful tummy ache though, but no pain no gain.
I remembered to do my video blog today. :)
It suprised me just how helpful it is.
I see people pop up online, and i think, we were once so close, now we could pass eachother in the street and not say a word. I have lost my friends, lost my mind. Lost it all.
All except the one thing i want to lose, weight. Gah.
PT girls are so fucking amazing, each and every one of you. pure inspiration.
You don't understand what you're helping me through. I spent today doing an english essay, FAIL. I am intending on spending tomorrow cleaning my room, why not i say?
I'm feeling down i don't know why.
Bleh.

Hmm

I haven't posted on here in a while, so much has happened.
Major binge, i just hate myself. Tomorrow i start a liquid only diet, i cannot wait. I'm absolutely knackered. I'm considering starting a video diary, but i don't knw what will happen. I really would like a hug right now. I'm such an absolute failure, it is unreal, i look at myself, and i feel physically sick. This bother at school won't just blow away. -_-. My best friend alice, is making life miserable for me, i want to cut all ties.
Meds review tomorrow, bit nervous.
I just like to lay and imagine things, where nobody had bodys and everything would be purely spiritual, we could only be judged on what really made us, what came from within. 
I went to the xmas lights switch on, it was kinda shit but i guess that's what makes it rugby.
Eeeee, roll on tomorrow, i'm off, sorry this was short.

Heaven.

Imagine, just imagine a world, where eating disorders, just, didn't exist.
Where you could be weightless, you could glide and you felt so light, where nobody would call you names, where there were no worries, nothing to drag you down. You could taste the snowflakes on your tongue, ans nothing in the world would matter. Where you had outer beauty aswell as inner, a world where inner beauty counted. That's my idea of heaven, i wouldn't need to eat,  nobody would be there to tell me i had to, i could just be left to do as i pleased, as i floated off. Mhmmm.

Um yeah.

So um, i had a friend stay round my house, he's a guy and a year older, he got thrown out so mom said he can sleep on my bedroom floor, then next i know everyone says i slept with him, suddenly threatening me, going mental and having a go. I got the bus yesterday and they all went beserk shouting at me, throwing insults, when for once i did nothing wrong. Yesterday, wait its 3:40am so not yesterday, monday night i took an overdose, mum came in the ambulance, i turned blue, my heart rate slowed right down, my lips were blue and i was unconsious, i spent all night under close obs wired to a heart monitor. Mum's now pulled me out of school, and i just want to cry, my time is running out. I'm going away in the caravan with my grandparents for a week to get a break and get away for a bit, you guys are my only friends. :'( My life is so out of control, i just don't know how to deal with it. It's 3:50 am and i just want to sleep so so badly. I can't stop worrying about things.

Soooo.... last night eh?

God where do i start, the fucking whores started on me on the bus. How do i explain after there?!

I took an overdose, went to hospital, turned blue, heart nearly stopped wires to ecg all night. Sums it up pretty much. -  I just feel like i can't take it anymore. I'm keeping up my dieting though my lovelies, i'm going away with my nan and grandad for a week, hopefully get away from rugby, give me a break and time to clear my head. I've been pulled out of school. Maybe it's for the best. I don't know the point in living, there is none. I just want to escape, someone to take my hand and tell me it will all be okay. Or someone to pull me over to the other side, to take me away, away from this pain, so i remain sane, help is on hand so take me, take me tonight, i give up on this, i've lost my fight. Please. :'(

Dumdumdum

I haven't slept yet, which makes me kinda sad. Doctors can't do anything yet. - i am very much considering leaving my school it is justnot worth all the hassle anymore. So today so far have had 260 calories :( no way m i having anymore jelly for my tea im thinking.

I'm off school...

So yesterday, the 17th, i had 0 calories, and proud, but last night i got 1 hour sleep, and over 3 nights i have had 4 hours sleep, i just broke down crying this morning, i'm on strong sleeping tablets, so i should have slept, i'm going doctors this morning so i can't go school, i feel dizzy and like i'm walking on jelly. Oh and wish her bestfriend would msn her, mobile msn, as mine is always on.

Pure Hatred

Is what i am feeling right now, all about my ugly fucking self. What is the point in anything? We live we die, you love, you cry, you get hurt no matter what. Ugh.

I let myself down, i had some more calories yes more, call me a fat bitch, i know, i am actually so dissapointed, todays total is  300 but i was sick so i don't know ?
My best friend listened at the door, and then had a go at me about it, i couldn't help but cry she is the one person i thought i could count on to not judge me no matter what and yeah looks like i was wrong with that theory.
I just feel so useless and like no matter what i do i fail, so i decided to invest in some 8 cal jello, omnom.
Tomorrow that will be my saviour i'm thinking.  I just want to hurt myself and cry and scream and shout. i am an absolute fucking failure to all you girls, i just let you down and i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry.

Today ..

So today i let myself down, once again. I had 245 calories, and i feel such a failuire, I purged, and brought them back up,  i just let myself down, and you guys so much.

Tomorrow i have school and god, i am actually so incredibly nervous.
I'm dreading it, like nothing before. I just want to cry, i am sick of all this fat, i want to be thin, i want to be gorgeous, i want to be free of this.

I really really  hope i don't have to see pw. :(

Sleep

I really could do with some, shame i can't. I just want a hug and someone to hold me and tell me this is a dream and it will all turn out okay, i've lost my friends, they are my everything, but it's for the best. I might seem stubborn but i cannot bear to hurt them.  I feel so low, i just want to end it. - What is the point in life? You're born, you die.  Some people are unbelievably selfish, and i don't want to be one of them.
I'm like a whirlwind, everything i touch i destroy, my stomach aches with hunger, but i like it. - I can control something. I just, hug me, hold me, anyone, please?

Make or Break...

I kinda made a big decision. I've already stepped  back from many of my friendships because simply i have nothing to put into the friendships, especially time. But my best friend, she's been there through everything, she worries about me, and i hate it, i hate that i'm hurting her. But things aren't getting any better for me and with each day my mind slowly becomes less and less mine. I've told her for her own sake we have to stop being friends, it absolutely breaks my heart but to persevere i need to do this. I just want to cry and curl up in a ball, my life seems so hopeless, pointless and like there is no end to my misery.
I feel so lonely, yet if i let anyone close i just hurt them so i push them away, i guess what i really want right now, is a hug.

FUCKING REPULSIVE

I just binged and FUCK I ACTUALLY HATE MYSELF FOR IT.  I made myself sick afterwards, and passed out, oh the fucking joy. I just want to cry. Right, that is it. I'm going to do a fast, i'm fucking disgusting.  7 days, no food. I swear, i need to do this. I want to cry my eyes out so bad, if i eat, i'm gonna cut my arm, every single time. That's an insentive not to, or maybe it's the opposite? I'm not exactly sure. I know people will read this and think attention seeking bitch, but to be quite honest, do it, i just feel so rubbish i have to vent this, i want to cry and scream and lock myself away.
I'm on the phone to my *****  she used to find me attractive, and call me beautiful, and now it's stopped and i don't like it. I hate being that repulsive girl who people look through asif she has no feelings. Starting tomorrow THAT. IS. IT. no food. I will definately distract myself, im not sure how, but i will. I'm out of control.

FAT

I feel so fat and disgusting, i'm allowed 400 calories today, and so far i have had 350. And that is how it will stay, i had to eat tea, spag bol,  but had a small serving. I went straight to the bathroom and purged, it all came back up but i still feel so greedy.  I have a bug atm, so i can easily use it as an excuse not to eat. WIN. My throat is ever so ever so sore right now. I think i need to plan ahead for tomorrow about what i'm going to eat.
I tried the cold bath thing today, i laid in an ice cold bath for 40 minutes, i cannot get warm and my body is covered in rashes now :/, but apparently it burns calories so there. I'm contemplating a fast, liquid only, but i'm not entirely sure yet. Binge free today, and proud. I looked in the mirror after the bath, and felt physically sick, my body is disgusting. Eat to live, not live to eat. 

Binge

I just want to binge so bad, we have chocolate teacakes, and omnmnomnom crisps, but i need to distract myself somehow. GAH! I have decided that i would write on here as a distractrion, disregard this post because it's just me rambling on and on to distract myself. Kayy, just watched a bitta documentary about size 0, i know they are designed to "put you off" but it just does the opposite, i need to control what goes in my mouth and not be a fat disgusting mess.
 I can controll what i eat, i will control it.
Yes, i will, Sorry about the rambling post, i'm off to watch trashy kids tv and go on PT.

Day 1

I'm on day one of the skinny bitch diet, and so far all good, it's 11am LOL but hopefully i will do it, today will be good, yes yes yes.

I'm not at school today, because i'm ill, - boo. Or tomorrow. I didn't get to sleep until like, 5am last night, but i'm having more sleeping tablets so win.
Feeling hungry makes me feel absolutely terrific. I still have to do my challenge today. I ordered a unity bracelet and cannot wait until i get it.
 I really want to get down to my goal weight. I keep thinking everything is so out of control in my life, i just want control of something. - My best friend is "worried" about me, i feel really bad, i don't want to hurt the people around me anymore, but they need to understand that i'm doing this for me.
I'm a bit scared that if i become thin and guys don't want me, what do i have to hide behind?  I self harmed today, i was just so disappointed for what i ate yesterday, i need to ensure drink enough water, i'm going now.

SKINNY BITCH!

Tomorrow i start the skinny bitch diet and boy am i excited, yes i know i'm going on and on and on about it. -
I start early bird swimming tomorrow at like 6am but hey, i will come off best out of this and i will win.

My best friend is smaller than me and keeps going on and on about her weight, and it makes me feel so much bloody worse.
I'm losing contact with people which makes me kinda sad, but nothing tastes as good as thin right?
Tomorrow i'm gonna get up at 6am, have some orange juice, walk to the leisure centre, swim until 8, get back. and blog again :)
Gah, i cannot believe it's monday again, school for me, really helps me function and takes my mind off things. That's a point, forgot mondays challenge better have a peek.
Seeing PW tomorrow, fucking hate her, i'm dreading it.
My other friend bex, her mum had cancer and recently she's been going through a rough patch, and god, my heart goes out to her, she is such an inspiration, both bex and her mom. So brave.


I just want to cry at my fucking disgusting body, i hate it. :'(

Urgh.

So i weighed myself today, ugh. How i weigh in the morning kinda determines how my day goes, what i let myself eat.

Today, well lets just say it's a bad day for me, ugh, i've had 550 calories today, and that is where i draw the absolute line, i feel unbelievably fucking greedy.
Tomorrow i start skinny bitch, i think it could be just what i need. I'm wanting to review some blogs, could be interesting.
I want someone to hug me and get their arms all the way round me.
I want someone to cuddle me and say how skinny i am.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be wanted.
Dreams can become reality but only with hard work, i purged after what i ate today, and what's unusual is the fact that, i have made myself sick for years and years but it's getting harder and harder.
But every pound down is one step closer to beauty.
I need to be wanted.

It's a new day

So much oppprtunity so much could happen, i'm doing this off my phone, pretty good i think. I'm laying watching some french film and i just cannot take any of it in, i watched a amazing documentary about someone becoming size 00 yes not just 0 DOUBLE 0, nothing seems to make sense to me anymore everything relates to food and i eat a single thing and feel guilty it's like my mind is no longer my own, i just have so many numbers in my head, im so fat and disgusting, i want to purge when i havenot eaten i feel so greedy all the time, im starting skinny bitch soon so wish me luck, gah 2am cannot sleep.

Fat Disgrace.

So, i had tea. I had chicken breast and Chips. I ate like, half and threw the rest away, i feel like sucha  greedy pig, i kept half away just to prove i could which i was quite pleased in myself for. I went to the toilet after and purged, which for once was incredibly easy. Ever since i just want to binge, everytime i see a person or a photo i just, i see a number above their head, how many pounds they need to lose to be perfect, it really gets me down.
I downloaded a fair few videos of like, thinspiration reversed? I find it more motivating looking at fat people and thinking i do not want to be like that i must not be like that.
The words want and need overcross in more ways than one, at the beginning i just wanted this, now it feels as though i need this. - I have made so many amazing contacts on prettythin and we communicate in a variety of ways, i'm starting the Skinny Bitch diet monday, wonder how it will go. Just thought i would inform you of that.

13Th november

Well, my dad got a restraining order, but we started seeing one another again, my sister, living with him im not allowed to see, she's 4, i had a dream i could cuddle her it felt so real and today i sent them a card saying sorry for everything. After that i just spent the day bingeing  i feel like such a fat f***ing pig. Ugh i am so disappointed in myself, it is unreal, i have had 700 calories, and ugh, i just ugh, i'm so ridiculously angry at  myself.

On PT the girls are all so gorgeous, i just wish i had as much willpower as you guys, but together i hope we can do it! - I really do want to do this, but it feels so difficult, i look in the mirror and feel pure disgust, i can lose twenty pounds, but the girl in the mirror never changes.
I have my friend over still, she really doesn't agree with  anything like PT and i just wish she could understand me.
I'm due to have chicken breast for tea, but i'm going to aim to eat half the food and throw half away, then of course purge, i wish i could get out of it but i just can't. - I'm due to be making lasagne for tea tomorrow, talk about calorie fucking fest, no thanks, i WILL get out of it, i'm not sure how, but i will. I will claim to have recurring tonsilitis again, yes.
I must post my challenge scores, pretty piss poor i must admit, anyhow, my friend must be getting bored so i'm out.

15/11/10

15/11/10

Starting Weight :

Monday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Have a long relaxing bath

Challenge : Celebrate yourself – do something to feel good

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Tuesday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Paint Nails

Challenge : Do something you’ve been putting off

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Wednesday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Go for a long walk

Challenge : Random act of kindness

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Thursday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Play with pets

Challenge : Try something new

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Friday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Clean Bedroom

Challenge : Have some fun

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Saturday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Paint Nails

Challenge : Clean something in your house that needs it

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Sunday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Dance

Challenge :Rest Day

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Total Weight Loss :

 

12 November 14:33

God, i'm now on prettythin so much more than facebook, which in itself is an achievement, all these girls, are such inspiration to me. For once in my life it feels like people actually understand me and are going through the exact same thing.

I was thinking of starting the JOG plan? Where you  get sent different plans each day, but i'm not entirely sure.
I keep getting so many cravings, but i'm considering the diet cola obsession again, it really does fill me up pretty quick. I have a sleepover tonight, talk about difficult, it's so hard to just act normal infrnt of her, she's such a worrier, i used to pass out at school due to starvation and if she ever know, gah
You guys are all here to support me though which is good, oh i forgot to mention.I've decided to attended RoSA (Raped or sexually abused) for counselling, they are getting me an appointment, hopefully this will help get all the feelings in my head sortetd eh? Fml, it just annoys me sometimes how some people and so beautiful and thin, and they don't even try, they can just eat and eat and eat, i seem to look at food and gain 10 kgs.
Vitamins and Minerals are seeming the way forward, i might try them, in a bid to speed my metabolism up eh? - I think mom knows somethings up, but not quite what, this is all getting so hard.Although on the positive, mum thinks i'm just getting into excercise and i cannot sit still, it just feels wrong, i constantly have to move, if you get me? Anyways, peace out.

Bah Humbug!

I love christmas, but god, there's so much room for temptation.
A new tactic i have used, which somebody off prettythin inspired me to use, was whenever i get hungry, i picture somebody eating, you know like, slopping there lips, sounding like a cow, it's so disgusting, i mean, everyone must know somebody who does this.
So far today, what i've eaten is a bowl of cereal, meh i know, but it stopped me having a binge, so win.

I really could do with a buddy for this, because it would really help me a lot.
Gah, i need a new diet to try, i was thinking ABC, but i'm not too sure, i've had mixed reviews on it.
Finally i don't feel ill today!
Sadly meaning i have to continue with my work, so i have to spend the afternoon watching romeo and Juliet, FAIL.
I can't believe i only just found PT it's so inspiring.
Anyhow i better be off, sorry this is so short.

Gah I'm ill.

Being ill helps i suppose.
Today all i've eaten is rich tea biscuits, which is good :).
I've been reading through people's blogs they are pretty amazing.
Diet pepsi is my new thing, much much better than diet coke, my room is scattered with them, hoping to get some pics up soon.
I've lost 7 pounds in 4 days, which really made my day, i got a horrible comment about my legs on formspring and how thin they are, i wish people could understand things, but nobody seems able to.

I really would like a buddy to do this with but i'm not sure where to go.
Now she is gorgeous, she just does it without effort.
I'm thinking of starting the daily running plan, but not sure if it's any good, it sends you a running plan each day e.g one minute running, one minute walking x10 and a 10 minute cooldown. Sounds Interesting.