Bleh.

I could bore you with the shit that's gone down today, but i don't see why anyone would particularly care. I feel like absolute shit, i can't remember feeling this bad, i want to die.
I want to crawl into a ball ry, slit my wrists and die.
Peace out.

Wow.

Christmas wasn't tooo bad. Got lots of nice clothes, but i keep breaking down and crying, i wish i looked perfect. No matter what i wear i always look fucking dusgusting. Today it's 4pm and i have had 0 cals. But for tea gah, don't get me started. :( FOUND LOW CAL NOODLES. aldini.

Oh and i found a new favourite photo. It makes me smile so so much.
Hope you all had a good christmas my lovelies.

here it is merry christmas.

Okay, well i've never met my grandparents. So i asked my dad if i could and uncle, they ignored me, So i posted a xmas card to my great grans house, fingers crossed.
Nervous about tomorrow.
Shitting myself.
Went to christmas carols, what actual jokes, this girl who's been vile to me, mom shouted bitch vile and bully at. And nan shoved her into a wall. Ha fucking ha.

hMMPH.

I am a fat skank. I have eaten so much it's unreal.
Fallen out with my best friend.
Feel so angry, just want to cry.
Some fucking :@ i'ma just stop.
Got phone calls of abuse today.
Mom suggested i start weight watchers.
Self harmed again.
Promised i wouldn't.
Purged.
Feel shit.
Bye.

SNOW

There is snow, snow makes everything better!!
Going to meet nanny and make sausage rolls. peace out.

Sorry i haven't posted.

Wow. Yesterday was eventful.
3 things in one day.

Thing one

Dr Al, i had the psyciatrist first. That went really bad, there was this creepy guy sat in the corner with this hench afro beard staring at me. I sat rowing with mom. And him for that matter, over the fact they think i have Personality Disorder. They want me to have therapy, i said no and walked out. :/
I burst out crying after, agreed to do therapy ALONE and mom went back and explained.


Thing two

Home tutoring, debbie came, did a science mock, think i did alright, not too bad. OMG I FORGOT. I got a college acceptance xD.


Thing three
It snowed. -_- NO. I had a meeting at school ( the one i've left) and it went a bit shit. I told them they were never there for me and that overall it was just plain unfair. I got had a go at a bit but bleh. Laura W has been being a complete fucking whore to me. Mom saw her. Like 1 metre away, went FREAK and then started evil laughing staring at her. Laura was by herself. What actual jokes. Love my mom.

I'm sleeping at alice's house tonight, her fogies are out.
Me her, Alistair Luke. Hmmm interesting. Hope her brother isn't a cunt.
We're making pizzae for tea apparently. So i'm going to save my calories up today.
What shall i wear today?!?! Ahh, not sure. Black skirt, white top anddd black cardi? Yes i'm thinking so. I'm gonna burn 100 cals first thing, have a bath, do my hair and m- up. Do my nails and baamm. Oh shit! Better pack my bag too :').
Uhm. Still on my anti depressants, think they are slightly working in some areas. Peace out suckers.

F*ckedUpAppendix: I am going to stop making myself sick

F*ckedUpAppendix: I am going to stop making myself sick: "Yes, you read correctly. I don't know how. I am so scared. So fucking scared. So fucking scared. So fucking scared. So fucking scared...."


This is true bravery. Admitting being scared and fighting everything she can.
I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable me posting this, if it does tell me i'll take it down. but wow girl. wow.

ASDF What do i call this?

Um, so today i had a sweet, 1/3 of a pitta, some fruit cocktail and a breakfast bar. My total is 200 cals. Terrific. I would really like to half that. I feel so fucking obese. Like i'm actually trapped in this body. Please free me someone? Desperat housewives time. peace out.

Bitch.

You are a fucking bitch. You cannot do anything right, you mess everything up you know. You reckon you have " friends"? Well they don't know the real you. The mask will slip soon. And then you will end up alone. AS ALWAYS. You're so fucking fat, it is actually unreal, you have no willpower, you're kinda pathetic, you should really do something about it.
Who's this i'm talking about?



me.

:'(

I have just had a major row, on fucking facebook. urghh.
I am absolutely fuming.
I just want to cry, i want the world to swallow me up, slit my wrists and fucking kill me.
I actually hate my life, i don't do good, i'm pointless. I don't actually do anything seriously, the whole everything has a purpose theory figures. I have no purpose i am nothing.

Today i fucked up big style with my eating. Fucking terrific. I mean. read this and think i am an attention seeker, cool. I'm not, people say i am, but this is a blog to talk about how i'm feeling and this is how i am feeling. Don't like it don't fucking read it. Kaii.
Tonight i think i am simply going to sit and cry. Yes, another night of crying myself to sleep.
Yupp attention seeker. got it in one. Yupp my "fake suicide attmpt" is so fucking funny, mom didn't find it that funny.  And it was a serius one thanks, i did it because i wanted to die, not get your attention. YOUR attention means fuck all, i mean if you hit puberty it might count. PEACE OUT.

I feel awful.

Today i have had 297 calories, burnt some off but till.
I've had a bath and i have home tutoring at 11:45 best get walking soon LOL.
Then i'm going to go and visit my lovely gorgeous great nanny!
I'm outting some low cal soup in my bag along with diet coke to take along, gah gotta do my hair, makeup and pee. Then i am off. I would really like another blog to follow. Hmmm.

Sorry

I'm Sorry i'm not good enough for the people of today.
I'm Sorry it's wrong whatever i say.
I'm sorry i hurt people and cause misery.
I'm sorry i get angry when you try to help me.
I'm on a mission to self destroy.
A mission of hatred i will enjoy.
I'm sorry you're caught mid crossfire.
I'm sorry but food i do not require.
I'm sorry these feelings have taken over me,
I'm sorry, i'm sorry, Sincerely Emily.

Things that piss me off.

1 - Old people, not the cute ones that you natter to on the bus, the fucking annoying ones who think they are 20 year old badasses running people over at 40mph on their fucking mobility scooters.

2 - When you think you know someone but then they let you down and you find out you are completely wrong.

3 - People judging others, when the thing they are judging falls back as completely contradictory.

4 - People who take no self pride, stuff their fat fucking faces and then complain they are fat.ou, they fj

5 - Homophobia. Enough said.

6 -  When people don't want to get to know you they just want to fuck you.

7 -  Backstabbers.

8 -  When food has no calorie information.

9 - When people lecture you.

10 - People pretending theat they understand when the truth is they have no fucking idea.

Pointless, but a distraction.

1. taken a picture naked? yes
2. painted your room? yes
3. made out with a member of the same sex? yes
4. drove a car? yes
5. danced in front of your mirror? yes
6. have a crush? yes
7. been on tv? yes
8. stole money from a friend? yes
9. gotten in the car with people you didnt know? yes
10. been in a fist fight? yes
11. had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? yes
12. had feelings for a friend? yes
14. made out with a stranger? yes
15. met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? yes
16. left your house with out telling your parents? yes
17. had a crush on your neighbor? yes
18. ditched school to do something more fun? yes
19. slept (not had sex) in a bed with a member of the same sex? yes
20. seen someone die?no
21. been on a plane? yes
22. kissed a picture? yes
23. slept in until 3? yes
24. miss someone right now? yes
25. laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yes
26. made a snow angel? yes
27. played dress up? yes
28. cheated while playing a game? yes
29. been lonely? yes
30. fallen asleep at work/school? yes
31. been to a bar?yes
32. felt an earthquake? yes
33. touched a snake? yes
34. ran a red light? yes
35. been suspended from school? yes
36. had detention?  yes
37. been in a car accident that you didnt cause? yes
38. hated the way you look? yes
39. witnessed a crime? yes
39. been the person doing the crime?yes
40. pole danced?yes
41. been lost? yes
42. been to the opposite side of the country? yes
43. felt so sick you thought you might die? yes
44. cried yourself to sleep?yes
46. sang karaoke? yes
47. done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? yes
48. laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? yes
49. caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes
50. kissed in the rain? yes
51. sang in the shower?yes
52. had sex in a park?yes
53. had a dream where you were married? yes
54. glued your hand to something? yes -_-
55. got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?no
56. ever gone to school partially naked? yes
57. been a cheerleader? yes
58. sat on a roof top? yes
59. didn’t take a shower for a week? yes
60. ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? yes
61. played chicken? yes
62. been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yes
64. broken a bone? yes
65. been easily amused?  yes
66. laughed so hard you cried? yes
67. mooned/flashed someone? yes
68. cheated on a test? yes
69: forgotten someones name? yes
70. slept naked? yes
71. gone skinny dipping? yes
73. blacked out from drinking? yes
74. played a prank on someone?yes
75. gone to a late night movie? yes
76. made love to anything not human? no!!!
77. failed a class? yes
78. choked on something you’re not supposed to eat? yes
79. played an instrument for more than 10 hours in total?yes
80. been cheated on? yes
81. did you celebrate the 4th of July? yes
82. thrown strange objects? yes
83. felt like killing someone? yes
84. felt like running away?yes
86. did drugs? yes
87. had detention and not attend it? yes
89. made a parent cry?yes
90. cried about someone? yes
91. had sex with more than one person in a 24 hour period? no
92. dated someone you didn’t even like? yes
93. had/have a dog? yes
95. own an instrument? yes
96. been in band? yes
97. drank 25 sodas in a day?no
98. broken a CD?yes
99. shot a gun? yes
100. had feelings for one of your best friends? yes

Fucking urgh.

Right, i'm adding a lot more things to my restricted list i think.
Make life even easier.
And i bought a cross trainer, mhmmm, my new hobby.
Clothes show tomorrow, i bought some fucking amazing shoes. - New scales next ;D.
I feel so useless i just want to go out, have had a bad day today, i just want to scream.
Nothing ever seems to go my way, ever. We put the christmas tree up, urgh turned into arguements as per.

My favourite song

That i would be good by alanis morisette.
It is truly amazing, it just has so much feeling in it.
I seem to cry a lot of the time when i listen to it, it's kind of comforting though, it makes me want to be thin.

Internet

Gah!
At my house i cannot get the internet, works for everyone else though! -_-.
I'm at my nans house atm, so i'm whoring her internet tehe. Not that she minds, had too take my comp on the fucking bus!
What a knob did i look ^-^.
Today i have eaten 160 calories. - Not too bad, having a mediocre day, gonna have a go on my new cross trainer tonight, or so i'm thinking. :)
I might invite my best friend to sleepover, so we can go to the movies or something? Yeah, think i will.
Anyhow, i'm off.

Day one

My best friend.
I have several best friends.
Alice
She has been there for me since day one, well, the last 5 years, we have been through so much together but at times she really can be very irritating. She steals my other friends and stabs me in the back but we have been through so much it seems a shame to throw it all away.
Bex
WOW. Bex has been my bestest friend since we were about, 5?
She has such a hard time, nobody gives her a break and i would honestly trust her with my life, we are so different yet so similar. She doesn't care what people think and she is amazing, would't harm a fly!
Jesse
Jesse is one of my newest friends but she is bloody wonderful! She solves all my problems, cheers me up, encourages me and helps me talk things through, she is so caring and truly has everyone else in mind
.
I love my best friends, so so much.

Blogging.

Day 1: Write about your best friend
Day 2: Post your favorite song and write why you like it
Day 3: Your top 10 pet peeves
Day 4: What was the last movie you watched, write about it
Day 5: Someone you would switch lives with for a day and why
Day 6: A picture that makes you happy
Day 7: If you were stranded on an Island, who would be with you and which limited 10 items would you two have?
Day 8: Describe your perfect date
Day 9: A picture of you when you were still young. (ex. 2,3,4 etc.)
Day 10: Write the differences between you and your best friend
Day 11: Write a letter to your loved one (ex. crush, boyfriend etc.)
Day 12: What got you into this challenge?
Day 13: A picture of what you wore today
Day 14: A silly picture of you/ you & your friends
Day 15: Create an outfit at http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/app and printscreen it!
Day 16: A picture of your cellphone/iPod/camera. ** Or altogether!
Day 17: Last post you made on Tumblr that doesn’t involve a challenge?
Day 18: Write a letter to your followers
Day 19: A video you would usually watch on Youtube
Day 20: What did you eat today? Picture if you want*
Day 21: What do you look for in a guy/girl?
Day 22: A picture of what you wore today
Day 23: Post up all the sites you use. (ex. your Twitter link, Facebook, Formspring etc.)
Day 24: When you look outside step outside your front door of the house, what do you see? picture if you like **
Day 25: Recommend a few Tumblr’s and write why you recommended them.
Day 26: Your favorite quote
Day 27: Something that inspires you
Day 28: Write a letter to someone you’ve never talked to in a long time
Day 29: Things you’re looking forward to next week -month
Day 30: Create a collage of your pictures you take in 1 day and post them up.

Well,

Today has been a mixed day, what started out as a very negative day, became positive.
I decided that i would plaster my wall in thinspiration and boy, it looks good. - I am proud.

I have CAMHS tomorrow, shitting myself. Got my Diet coke and my strongmints at the ready for tomorrow. Got vpainful tummy ache though, but no pain no gain.
I remembered to do my video blog today. :)
It suprised me just how helpful it is.
I see people pop up online, and i think, we were once so close, now we could pass eachother in the street and not say a word. I have lost my friends, lost my mind. Lost it all.
All except the one thing i want to lose, weight. Gah.
PT girls are so fucking amazing, each and every one of you. pure inspiration.
You don't understand what you're helping me through. I spent today doing an english essay, FAIL. I am intending on spending tomorrow cleaning my room, why not i say?
I'm feeling down i don't know why.
Bleh.

Hmm

I haven't posted on here in a while, so much has happened.
Major binge, i just hate myself. Tomorrow i start a liquid only diet, i cannot wait. I'm absolutely knackered. I'm considering starting a video diary, but i don't knw what will happen. I really would like a hug right now. I'm such an absolute failure, it is unreal, i look at myself, and i feel physically sick. This bother at school won't just blow away. -_-. My best friend alice, is making life miserable for me, i want to cut all ties.
Meds review tomorrow, bit nervous.
I just like to lay and imagine things, where nobody had bodys and everything would be purely spiritual, we could only be judged on what really made us, what came from within. 
I went to the xmas lights switch on, it was kinda shit but i guess that's what makes it rugby.
Eeeee, roll on tomorrow, i'm off, sorry this was short.

Heaven.

Imagine, just imagine a world, where eating disorders, just, didn't exist.
Where you could be weightless, you could glide and you felt so light, where nobody would call you names, where there were no worries, nothing to drag you down. You could taste the snowflakes on your tongue, ans nothing in the world would matter. Where you had outer beauty aswell as inner, a world where inner beauty counted. That's my idea of heaven, i wouldn't need to eat,  nobody would be there to tell me i had to, i could just be left to do as i pleased, as i floated off. Mhmmm.

Um yeah.

So um, i had a friend stay round my house, he's a guy and a year older, he got thrown out so mom said he can sleep on my bedroom floor, then next i know everyone says i slept with him, suddenly threatening me, going mental and having a go. I got the bus yesterday and they all went beserk shouting at me, throwing insults, when for once i did nothing wrong. Yesterday, wait its 3:40am so not yesterday, monday night i took an overdose, mum came in the ambulance, i turned blue, my heart rate slowed right down, my lips were blue and i was unconsious, i spent all night under close obs wired to a heart monitor. Mum's now pulled me out of school, and i just want to cry, my time is running out. I'm going away in the caravan with my grandparents for a week to get a break and get away for a bit, you guys are my only friends. :'( My life is so out of control, i just don't know how to deal with it. It's 3:50 am and i just want to sleep so so badly. I can't stop worrying about things.

Soooo.... last night eh?

God where do i start, the fucking whores started on me on the bus. How do i explain after there?!

I took an overdose, went to hospital, turned blue, heart nearly stopped wires to ecg all night. Sums it up pretty much. -  I just feel like i can't take it anymore. I'm keeping up my dieting though my lovelies, i'm going away with my nan and grandad for a week, hopefully get away from rugby, give me a break and time to clear my head. I've been pulled out of school. Maybe it's for the best. I don't know the point in living, there is none. I just want to escape, someone to take my hand and tell me it will all be okay. Or someone to pull me over to the other side, to take me away, away from this pain, so i remain sane, help is on hand so take me, take me tonight, i give up on this, i've lost my fight. Please. :'(

Dumdumdum

I haven't slept yet, which makes me kinda sad. Doctors can't do anything yet. - i am very much considering leaving my school it is justnot worth all the hassle anymore. So today so far have had 260 calories :( no way m i having anymore jelly for my tea im thinking.

I'm off school...

So yesterday, the 17th, i had 0 calories, and proud, but last night i got 1 hour sleep, and over 3 nights i have had 4 hours sleep, i just broke down crying this morning, i'm on strong sleeping tablets, so i should have slept, i'm going doctors this morning so i can't go school, i feel dizzy and like i'm walking on jelly. Oh and wish her bestfriend would msn her, mobile msn, as mine is always on.

Pure Hatred

Is what i am feeling right now, all about my ugly fucking self. What is the point in anything? We live we die, you love, you cry, you get hurt no matter what. Ugh.

I let myself down, i had some more calories yes more, call me a fat bitch, i know, i am actually so dissapointed, todays total is  300 but i was sick so i don't know ?
My best friend listened at the door, and then had a go at me about it, i couldn't help but cry she is the one person i thought i could count on to not judge me no matter what and yeah looks like i was wrong with that theory.
I just feel so useless and like no matter what i do i fail, so i decided to invest in some 8 cal jello, omnom.
Tomorrow that will be my saviour i'm thinking.  I just want to hurt myself and cry and scream and shout. i am an absolute fucking failure to all you girls, i just let you down and i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry.

Today ..

So today i let myself down, once again. I had 245 calories, and i feel such a failuire, I purged, and brought them back up,  i just let myself down, and you guys so much.

Tomorrow i have school and god, i am actually so incredibly nervous.
I'm dreading it, like nothing before. I just want to cry, i am sick of all this fat, i want to be thin, i want to be gorgeous, i want to be free of this.

I really really  hope i don't have to see pw. :(

Sleep

I really could do with some, shame i can't. I just want a hug and someone to hold me and tell me this is a dream and it will all turn out okay, i've lost my friends, they are my everything, but it's for the best. I might seem stubborn but i cannot bear to hurt them.  I feel so low, i just want to end it. - What is the point in life? You're born, you die.  Some people are unbelievably selfish, and i don't want to be one of them.
I'm like a whirlwind, everything i touch i destroy, my stomach aches with hunger, but i like it. - I can control something. I just, hug me, hold me, anyone, please?

Make or Break...

I kinda made a big decision. I've already stepped  back from many of my friendships because simply i have nothing to put into the friendships, especially time. But my best friend, she's been there through everything, she worries about me, and i hate it, i hate that i'm hurting her. But things aren't getting any better for me and with each day my mind slowly becomes less and less mine. I've told her for her own sake we have to stop being friends, it absolutely breaks my heart but to persevere i need to do this. I just want to cry and curl up in a ball, my life seems so hopeless, pointless and like there is no end to my misery.
I feel so lonely, yet if i let anyone close i just hurt them so i push them away, i guess what i really want right now, is a hug.

FUCKING REPULSIVE

I just binged and FUCK I ACTUALLY HATE MYSELF FOR IT.  I made myself sick afterwards, and passed out, oh the fucking joy. I just want to cry. Right, that is it. I'm going to do a fast, i'm fucking disgusting.  7 days, no food. I swear, i need to do this. I want to cry my eyes out so bad, if i eat, i'm gonna cut my arm, every single time. That's an insentive not to, or maybe it's the opposite? I'm not exactly sure. I know people will read this and think attention seeking bitch, but to be quite honest, do it, i just feel so rubbish i have to vent this, i want to cry and scream and lock myself away.
I'm on the phone to my *****  she used to find me attractive, and call me beautiful, and now it's stopped and i don't like it. I hate being that repulsive girl who people look through asif she has no feelings. Starting tomorrow THAT. IS. IT. no food. I will definately distract myself, im not sure how, but i will. I'm out of control.

FAT

I feel so fat and disgusting, i'm allowed 400 calories today, and so far i have had 350. And that is how it will stay, i had to eat tea, spag bol,  but had a small serving. I went straight to the bathroom and purged, it all came back up but i still feel so greedy.  I have a bug atm, so i can easily use it as an excuse not to eat. WIN. My throat is ever so ever so sore right now. I think i need to plan ahead for tomorrow about what i'm going to eat.
I tried the cold bath thing today, i laid in an ice cold bath for 40 minutes, i cannot get warm and my body is covered in rashes now :/, but apparently it burns calories so there. I'm contemplating a fast, liquid only, but i'm not entirely sure yet. Binge free today, and proud. I looked in the mirror after the bath, and felt physically sick, my body is disgusting. Eat to live, not live to eat. 

Binge

I just want to binge so bad, we have chocolate teacakes, and omnmnomnom crisps, but i need to distract myself somehow. GAH! I have decided that i would write on here as a distractrion, disregard this post because it's just me rambling on and on to distract myself. Kayy, just watched a bitta documentary about size 0, i know they are designed to "put you off" but it just does the opposite, i need to control what goes in my mouth and not be a fat disgusting mess.
 I can controll what i eat, i will control it.
Yes, i will, Sorry about the rambling post, i'm off to watch trashy kids tv and go on PT.

Day 1

I'm on day one of the skinny bitch diet, and so far all good, it's 11am LOL but hopefully i will do it, today will be good, yes yes yes.

I'm not at school today, because i'm ill, - boo. Or tomorrow. I didn't get to sleep until like, 5am last night, but i'm having more sleeping tablets so win.
Feeling hungry makes me feel absolutely terrific. I still have to do my challenge today. I ordered a unity bracelet and cannot wait until i get it.
 I really want to get down to my goal weight. I keep thinking everything is so out of control in my life, i just want control of something. - My best friend is "worried" about me, i feel really bad, i don't want to hurt the people around me anymore, but they need to understand that i'm doing this for me.
I'm a bit scared that if i become thin and guys don't want me, what do i have to hide behind?  I self harmed today, i was just so disappointed for what i ate yesterday, i need to ensure drink enough water, i'm going now.

SKINNY BITCH!

Tomorrow i start the skinny bitch diet and boy am i excited, yes i know i'm going on and on and on about it. -
I start early bird swimming tomorrow at like 6am but hey, i will come off best out of this and i will win.

My best friend is smaller than me and keeps going on and on about her weight, and it makes me feel so much bloody worse.
I'm losing contact with people which makes me kinda sad, but nothing tastes as good as thin right?
Tomorrow i'm gonna get up at 6am, have some orange juice, walk to the leisure centre, swim until 8, get back. and blog again :)
Gah, i cannot believe it's monday again, school for me, really helps me function and takes my mind off things. That's a point, forgot mondays challenge better have a peek.
Seeing PW tomorrow, fucking hate her, i'm dreading it.
My other friend bex, her mum had cancer and recently she's been going through a rough patch, and god, my heart goes out to her, she is such an inspiration, both bex and her mom. So brave.


I just want to cry at my fucking disgusting body, i hate it. :'(

Urgh.

So i weighed myself today, ugh. How i weigh in the morning kinda determines how my day goes, what i let myself eat.

Today, well lets just say it's a bad day for me, ugh, i've had 550 calories today, and that is where i draw the absolute line, i feel unbelievably fucking greedy.
Tomorrow i start skinny bitch, i think it could be just what i need. I'm wanting to review some blogs, could be interesting.
I want someone to hug me and get their arms all the way round me.
I want someone to cuddle me and say how skinny i am.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be wanted.
Dreams can become reality but only with hard work, i purged after what i ate today, and what's unusual is the fact that, i have made myself sick for years and years but it's getting harder and harder.
But every pound down is one step closer to beauty.
I need to be wanted.

It's a new day

So much oppprtunity so much could happen, i'm doing this off my phone, pretty good i think. I'm laying watching some french film and i just cannot take any of it in, i watched a amazing documentary about someone becoming size 00 yes not just 0 DOUBLE 0, nothing seems to make sense to me anymore everything relates to food and i eat a single thing and feel guilty it's like my mind is no longer my own, i just have so many numbers in my head, im so fat and disgusting, i want to purge when i havenot eaten i feel so greedy all the time, im starting skinny bitch soon so wish me luck, gah 2am cannot sleep.

Fat Disgrace.

So, i had tea. I had chicken breast and Chips. I ate like, half and threw the rest away, i feel like sucha  greedy pig, i kept half away just to prove i could which i was quite pleased in myself for. I went to the toilet after and purged, which for once was incredibly easy. Ever since i just want to binge, everytime i see a person or a photo i just, i see a number above their head, how many pounds they need to lose to be perfect, it really gets me down.
I downloaded a fair few videos of like, thinspiration reversed? I find it more motivating looking at fat people and thinking i do not want to be like that i must not be like that.
The words want and need overcross in more ways than one, at the beginning i just wanted this, now it feels as though i need this. - I have made so many amazing contacts on prettythin and we communicate in a variety of ways, i'm starting the Skinny Bitch diet monday, wonder how it will go. Just thought i would inform you of that.

13Th november

Well, my dad got a restraining order, but we started seeing one another again, my sister, living with him im not allowed to see, she's 4, i had a dream i could cuddle her it felt so real and today i sent them a card saying sorry for everything. After that i just spent the day bingeing  i feel like such a fat f***ing pig. Ugh i am so disappointed in myself, it is unreal, i have had 700 calories, and ugh, i just ugh, i'm so ridiculously angry at  myself.

On PT the girls are all so gorgeous, i just wish i had as much willpower as you guys, but together i hope we can do it! - I really do want to do this, but it feels so difficult, i look in the mirror and feel pure disgust, i can lose twenty pounds, but the girl in the mirror never changes.
I have my friend over still, she really doesn't agree with  anything like PT and i just wish she could understand me.
I'm due to have chicken breast for tea, but i'm going to aim to eat half the food and throw half away, then of course purge, i wish i could get out of it but i just can't. - I'm due to be making lasagne for tea tomorrow, talk about calorie fucking fest, no thanks, i WILL get out of it, i'm not sure how, but i will. I will claim to have recurring tonsilitis again, yes.
I must post my challenge scores, pretty piss poor i must admit, anyhow, my friend must be getting bored so i'm out.

15/11/10

15/11/10

Starting Weight :

Monday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Have a long relaxing bath

Challenge : Celebrate yourself – do something to feel good

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Tuesday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Paint Nails

Challenge : Do something you’ve been putting off

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Wednesday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Go for a long walk

Challenge : Random act of kindness

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Thursday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Play with pets

Challenge : Try something new

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Friday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Clean Bedroom

Challenge : Have some fun

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Saturday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Paint Nails

Challenge : Clean something in your house that needs it

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Sunday

Food - Calories : 500

Water : 1000ml 

Excercise : Jogging 

Checklist : Dance

Challenge :Rest Day

Weight in morning :

Food : /2

Water : /2

Excercise : /2

Posting : /2

Daily Challenge : /2

Total Weight Loss :

 

12 November 14:33

God, i'm now on prettythin so much more than facebook, which in itself is an achievement, all these girls, are such inspiration to me. For once in my life it feels like people actually understand me and are going through the exact same thing.

I was thinking of starting the JOG plan? Where you  get sent different plans each day, but i'm not entirely sure.
I keep getting so many cravings, but i'm considering the diet cola obsession again, it really does fill me up pretty quick. I have a sleepover tonight, talk about difficult, it's so hard to just act normal infrnt of her, she's such a worrier, i used to pass out at school due to starvation and if she ever know, gah
You guys are all here to support me though which is good, oh i forgot to mention.I've decided to attended RoSA (Raped or sexually abused) for counselling, they are getting me an appointment, hopefully this will help get all the feelings in my head sortetd eh? Fml, it just annoys me sometimes how some people and so beautiful and thin, and they don't even try, they can just eat and eat and eat, i seem to look at food and gain 10 kgs.
Vitamins and Minerals are seeming the way forward, i might try them, in a bid to speed my metabolism up eh? - I think mom knows somethings up, but not quite what, this is all getting so hard.Although on the positive, mum thinks i'm just getting into excercise and i cannot sit still, it just feels wrong, i constantly have to move, if you get me? Anyways, peace out.

Bah Humbug!

I love christmas, but god, there's so much room for temptation.
A new tactic i have used, which somebody off prettythin inspired me to use, was whenever i get hungry, i picture somebody eating, you know like, slopping there lips, sounding like a cow, it's so disgusting, i mean, everyone must know somebody who does this.
So far today, what i've eaten is a bowl of cereal, meh i know, but it stopped me having a binge, so win.

I really could do with a buddy for this, because it would really help me a lot.
Gah, i need a new diet to try, i was thinking ABC, but i'm not too sure, i've had mixed reviews on it.
Finally i don't feel ill today!
Sadly meaning i have to continue with my work, so i have to spend the afternoon watching romeo and Juliet, FAIL.
I can't believe i only just found PT it's so inspiring.
Anyhow i better be off, sorry this is so short.

Gah I'm ill.

Being ill helps i suppose.
Today all i've eaten is rich tea biscuits, which is good :).
I've been reading through people's blogs they are pretty amazing.
Diet pepsi is my new thing, much much better than diet coke, my room is scattered with them, hoping to get some pics up soon.
I've lost 7 pounds in 4 days, which really made my day, i got a horrible comment about my legs on formspring and how thin they are, i wish people could understand things, but nobody seems able to.

I really would like a buddy to do this with but i'm not sure where to go.
Now she is gorgeous, she just does it without effort.
I'm thinking of starting the daily running plan, but not sure if it's any good, it sends you a running plan each day e.g one minute running, one minute walking x10 and a 10 minute cooldown. Sounds Interesting.